Sad Departure of Ramadhan

131104 (Saturday):
While other people rejoice on the eve of Syawal, I grieved. It was too overwhelming for me that the blessed Ramadhan passed me by (I wished I could have done more to garner all the benefits of this holy month). Mum asked if I wanted to buy a set of new clothings (she felt sad that I didn't have a new baju kurung this year) but I declined. Idulfitri is not about new clothes, shoes, etc. To me its about the spiritual cleansing of one's soul. I admit I have not been a perfect person, but am taking the time to learn and be a better person for myself, for mum and those loved ones dear to me.

Sometimes, we are so focused on our own insecurities or our own 'world' that we do not see the bigger picture; A colleague asked me once "Why are you so busy when the company is not paying you, etc?" To me, its not the fear of humans that worries me; regardless... I am still answerable to Almighty Allah. Life may seem on the downhill for me now, but it just proves that I have to have a stronger faith in GOD's will for only Allah is foreknowing on what is the best for me and I have to be ikhlas (sincere) and accept whatever comes my way with an open heart, Inna lillahi wa inna iillaihi rojiun (from him we came, to him we shall return).

I end my blog today with a poem from a dear friend (thank you, Sha):

MOMENTS IN LIFE
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much
that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!
When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the closed door
that we don't see the one, which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile, because
it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile.
Dream what you want to dream;
go where you want to go; be what you want to be,
because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human and
enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be
based on a forgotten past;
you can't go forward in life until
you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling
and everyone around you is crying.

Madness - Past 2 Weeks

Subhan Allah (God is Great). The hectic speed of completing projects to chase payments really tested my patience these past weeks. Just when I was ready to call it quits, the talk with my CEO changed my perception of things. I am still unsure as to where I stand but open communication did go a long way (thanks, R). A sign? Perhaps.

Was a tad disappointed that my sideline business could not pick up speed due to cash flow. My partner said I looked distracted, like I have alot on my mind. Its true, I do and thanks for your patience, CK.

Bush got re-elected and am wondering how will that impact the economic climate of Asia. Was silently rooting for Kerry, although it could be a blessing in disguise as Kerry practises 'protectionism' and that would spell trouble for alot of countries that benefitted from the outsource business Bush advocates. Arafat is critically ill. Insya Allah (God Willing) he will get a miracle recovery if that is God's will.

A couple of special people celebrated their birthday this week. Sent them my well wishes. Unfortunately, one just read my e-greeting and not reply to say thanks! (at least now I know the state of our 'friendship').

Will focus on the next 9 days of crucial Ramadhan and devote my time to prayers. After that will seriously think about diving at Similans with CY in Dec. Stay tuned as I update this blog soon.

Decisions, Decisions

Monday (181004):
Monday blues... and what a way to start the day by being stuck at the banks (take note its plural!). This incident really made me rethink about 'fight or flight' situation (aptly put, HW). Went office feeling jaded. Was glad to get a follow-up sms on an offer; will see her soon. Went home early to break fast with my family.

Tuesday (191004):
Worked from home today. Felt better being home (somehow the vibe in the office was not positive). Was happy that one of the blogger commented on "Get Real" that he prefers bloggers who are not self-depreciating. Totally agree; I'd rather read a blog that veers towards current affairs or at least something profound than some mindless blabberings. I had to inform mum about the state of my company; as expected, she was worried. Reassured her that there is a time and place for everything and that this is just a test from the Almighty.

Wednesday (201004):
The meeting went well in the morning and got a call for another offer (will have to meet the lady tomorrow during lunch time). Work wise, had to update a client on the progress of the project schedule. The morale in the office was low (need an update from CEO soon!)

Thursday (211004):
The lady was also a diver, small world! However, have a strong feeling she was penalizing me for my take on money - true money is important in a rewarding job but to me working with a progressive company is more important coz of the learning curve I will take away with me. Differing in opinion is alright; as they say 'diversity breeds creativity' but somehow I don't think that rings through here for her... Time will tell. Was told to prepare a presentation but I doubt I want to pursue this offer.

Democracy?

Friday (151004):
When you thought that the end is near, a miracle happened, Subhan Allah (God is Great)! Going in to the staff meeting was the best thing that happened to me today. For once, I saw the 'person' my CEO was since we started this company. I was so glad that he wanted to hear our point of view and took the time to find an alternative, Alhamdullilah (Thank God). From there after, you could see the spark back around the office. Although I have not recuperated, I felt much better at the turn of event. I know that there is still uncertainty but at least whatever that is to come will be way better than where we are right now...

Went home on the first day of Ramadhan feeling relieved; Surfed the net to get more info on my sideline business with the hope that we could progress further in this arrangement. My business partner told me that there was a retailer who is keen to see our stock; a possibile channel? Perhaps... There's always a reason for everything :)

Saturday (161004):
Second day of Ramadhan. Was tabulating my finances. Verdict = short! Was supposed to see my orthodontist but had to take a 'rain check' on that. Was thinking of baking cookies and cakes for Syawal but... don't think that is possible this year. Spent the day researching for more suppliers as well as ideas for the clothes line.

Sunday (171004):
Third day of Ramadhan and I learnt that when I could not process my thoughts well enough, it was better to step back and analyse the situation and think things through before making a decision; CK made me realize that I have to give more room to options (thank you CK for having faith in me as your business partner and for being open). I realized that having your own business is a new ball game all together; its not that I am fearful (hey, having some fear is good as it keeps you on your toes) of the uncertainty, just don't want to disappoint my partner in crime. Am glad that we managed to resolve the slight hiccup we have and work towards our common goal. Here's to a new lease of life! Amen.

Life suddenly seems so uncertain at all fronts but I am not about to buckle under pressure. Its important to keep a clear head (a good sense of humour helps too). No one says life is a bed of roses so I shall take life with a pinch of salt. Hikmah behind everything, Insya Allah!

Down, Not Out...

Monday (111004):
Was supposed to be at client's place today but client postponed meeting to Tuesday morning. As I was heading to work, alot ran through my mind - life, work, finances, education, etc. Post 30, it seems as though I have reached an impasse; its the same with the rest of my peers. Is the economy really picking up? Doesn't seem the case. The elearning market seemed to have reached a standstill. Maybe I need to restrategise in terms of my careerpath...

Tuesday (121004):
Woke up and headed to client's place in the morning. Then got back to office and had quick lunch before another meeting with client. Saw Luke online. As I was feeling bored, I started chatting online (I know it was kinda rude but can't help it, bah!). We decided to meet up with the rest the next day (kinda excited as it has been awhile since we all got together... miss them loads!). Went back feeling slightly better; sharead a cab with my colleagues.

Wednesday (131004):
Today, mum left for JB with nan. I went to work feeling down. Got sms from CY; he informed me about White Manta (frontpage news!). He also asked me if I wanted anything from Beijing. He'll be flying this Saturday and be back next Sunday. I declined any (what a sweet gesture). Also sms one of my dive buddy who just got back from her honeymoon. She mentioned meeting 'my ex' in NY but did not elaborate. Frankly, I am not keen to know more about him. Live and let live considering its all over.

Then I got a call from Luke and went down for a brief chat at Subway, Amara (sorry about the bad outcome of the interview). Decided to leave early to meet the rest for dinner. We checked out Dempsey Road and ended up at Holland Village and chatted the night away. Got home after 1am; felt tired and a little unwell...

Thursday (141004):
Was down with bad cough and runny nose; decided to take medical leave. Spoke to "Precious" (good chat) then saw Luke online (busy surfing for jobs again I see? Join the club!). Got a reply for another offer; considering... Heard that today pay cheque is in and mum's back and for once nice home cooked meal during my off day (hallelujah!). There will be a staff meeting tomorrow at 4pm; wish me luck!

"Call on Me, I will answer your prayer" (40:60)

Realities of Life?

Saturday (091004):
Woke up for gym and then had a quick shower and lunch before meeting CK (what is it with people and being late?! Gone are the days when professionals believe that "time is money"?) We reached an impasse in our business ideas. Have to rework the strategies (will sleep on it over the weekend; somehow I got the feeling that am the only one who really know what's going on...)

It was nice of CK to say that I have changed for the better, mellower, nicer and incredibly attractive (ok, I added the "incredibly", you got me there; Hey am entitled to some vanity some times yeah! Btw was that flirting with me?!) Its nice to meet friends once in a while and catch up and was glad CK enjoyed my company (sorry you were late for yr date. Hope you didn't get into trouble with yr girl? hahaha)

Had a nice banter with CY over sms; will see him tomorrow for badminton (Nope, am not gonna fall for that trap anymore; have resolved to remain single for a while now) ... Interestingly enough, when I got home on Friday night and was surfing the net, CY sms and asked me out for a drink at Clarke Quay; declined his offer... Besides, if you wanna date a girl, at least extend an invitation in advance (guys out there, learn from this - give the girl some 'face' will ya?) Could a guy have a platonic friendship with a girl? According to CY, its not possible...but CY, were friends so what was that all about? *confused*

Sunday (101004):
What do you make of an employee who has not seen her pay cheque for 2 months? Darn broke! I was grumbling to mum over breakfast and she asked if I am keeping a look out, duh! Suddenly I felt immersed in Harry's role in Tony Parson's "A Man & A Boy" (sans the kid, death of a family and divorce issues) .

Anyway, I went for my badminton and got to know 9 nice guys. Would have joined them for lunch if I wasn't penny pinching being broke... I think CY was a tad disappointed that we didn't get to partner for any of the doubles game; maybe next time. It was sweet of him, in between games, he asked me if I was tired, if I have my bottle of water with me yada yada yada. Its true that I am easily appreciative but I also know that I could never come in between a couple and I would want to play it safe this time round and not think about hooking up with someone just because he likes me... its got to be for the right reasons (no more giving someone the benefit of the doubt)

Guess somehow, all the past experiences have made me a little bit more grown up (pray to GOD that is so), Btw, I have finished "A Man & A Boy". Verdict = Heart warming. I learnt that if you love someone, you don't just see them as extension of yourself. You don't just love them for what's in it for you. Love means knowing when to let go and you will learn to let go coz that is part of what it means to love someone. I guess Nancy Sinatra was right when she said, "A life without love is no life at all".

At a time like this, I could hear Frank Sinatra singing:

Someday when I'm awfully low.
When the world is cold, I will feel a glow;
Just thinking of you and the way you look tonight.
But you're lovely!
With your smile so warm and your cheek so soft;
There is nothing for me but to love you
Just the way you look tonight.

Business Partner

Wednesday (061004):
What a day! I had a fruitful day at work; got all the tasks that I needed to do completed. I then went for the coffee session to discuss possibilities of a work arrangement with another company. Verdict = it was a replacement position. I am still considering the offer and will probably have a second round next week. Spoke to a pal and asked for her opinion as well; will probably meet her and an ex of mine next week if time permits (that reminds me, I have to RSVP for the talk by RMIT for the MBA, IT course).

After that, I met my dive buddy at his badminton session (he seems really happy to see me... hmmm) Had dinner with a potential business partner at 7pm and we discussed the possiblity of a business arranagement till 10pm; we will touch base again this Saturday to map out the blueprint. Went home feeling fulfilled; achieved alot today. Alhamdulillah!

Thursday (071004):
Forwarded some info I have researched to my business partner and will discuss online tonight. I was still toying with the idea of the work arrangement. A colleague told me it would be better than where I am now but... still undecided. Perhaps I shall sleep on it till the weekend. Had a fruitful discussion on the prototype of a client's project in the west; will be presenting that next Monday...Hmm. seems like next week will be another busy week before the fasting month begins.

Friday (081004):
Today was at work for half a day and had lunch with HW and LW (it may be LW's last day, but I got to know LW and family better). Then we headed to HP EduFest at Suntec City. It was insightful. We all headed home and when I was surfing for the exact address of Bukit Gombak CC for my badminton session on Sunday morning, CY sms and asked me out for a drink. Declined the offer (partly coz I was already home and partly coz I will be seeing him this Sunday and I already saw him on Wednesday this week).

Something in my bones is telling me that the weeks ahead will get more interesting...

Talent Scouted or ...?

Sunday (031004):
I spent the early part of the day finishing the fantabulous "Da Vinci Code". What an achievement for breaking some codes before they were revealed. Hey, check out the true tales. I love how Dan Brown does such an extensive research and finally piecing everything together - very intelligent indeed! Also today was a time well spent - practised on my keyboard (kinda miss Zali), updated my resume and researched for opportunities. Watched "Bicentennial Man"; besides its humane overtone, its blah! Then I started reading another book, Tony Parson's "Man and Boy". Will let you know the verdict once I complete it. . . too premature to jump to a conclusion now don't you think? ;P

Monday (041004):
The e-learning industry is really small in Singapore; what goes around comes around? Perhaps. Out of the blue, a direct competitor called my office and ask, "I know this sounds wierd, we have never done this before but are you open to other opportunities?" What an opportune time, you might say? When I asked the lady who referred her to me, she said, "I promised the person I keep this referral confidential". Somehow I have an inkling who the referee is! Nonetheless, I shall keep my options open although the mere mention of the company's name makes me squirm but like Ben used to say, "Beggars can't be choosers". Another advice from a friend was, "No harm seeing what your market value is". Perhaps she is right.

Tuesday (051004):
Another draggy day but somehow I knew I had to complete the progress report for a project before 071004, darn! The prototype review for one courseware was done without 'drama' but I am pretty sure some of the media guys 'resent' the constructive feedback given (it don't help that the morale is low right now). Then had a final few words with my respected mentor (his last day today... so sad but shall cherish all that I've learnt from this amazing talent). An ex-colleague is helping me submit my resume to her company for an opening (thank you, Rose) and I just arranged for a coffee session with the GM and HR of a direct competitor tomorrow. Wish me luck...

Merger & Acquisition

Wednesday (290904):
What a day! First thing in the morning, I witnessed an apartment opposite mine caught fire and how the SCDF guys were trying hard to stop the raging fire (things like that can get me excited.. haha can hear some of you saying, "Get a life!" Anyway, was late for work due to that, darn). Was supposed to end the day with a good game of badminton with CY and his colleagues but there was a twist!. Verdict = not a good day. The news from my CEO was not very favourable considering the stories I heard about our 'partner in crime'. Morale of my peers was the lowest ever!

Thursday (300904):
Nobody was in the mood to work, including myself but have to put on a brave front during meetings with clients (you still have to be professional, right?). 1 staff left, and more to go. The uncertainty is literally putting everyone at the edge of their seat. At the end of the day, 1 more staff was told that her employment would end this October. Sad sad day... I went home and broke the news to mum (was in tears thinking of the plight of some of my colleagues who have mouths to feed unlike single me!) and she said, "You are talented; you can easily get another job soon". Thanks for the vote of confidence, mum *hugs*

Friday (011004):
We were told that there will be a few round of interviews in the next couple of weeks. Its enlightening to know that the talents in our company are well sought after. After getting an sms reply from one of the respected directors in my company, I decided that keeping my options open will be a wise move. So today, besides helping my colleague to look for another job, I was also keeping an eye on favourable opportunities. Although I know that my CEO has well-meaning intentions of keeping everyone employed, market sentiments of the acquiring company is not very favourable (not to mention the horror stories of its lack of staff welfare). All I know is that we all deserve better than that. Spoke to my pal briefly when I was on my way home (didn't want to elaborate on the acquisition in public).

Saturday (021004):
Was in no mood to go gym; Woke up pretty late for brunch and showered my pet cat and started scouting for job opportunities. Think it went well today. At the end of the day, its God's will. He has foreknowledge of what is good for me and I shall submit to that coz I believe that there's a reason behind everything... time will tell :)

I end my note with this true statement:

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better - King Whitney Jr.

Missing Out?

Friday (240904):
"This day, I will marry my friend". So aptly said. Its amazing how a relationship could last 10 years and the couple end up together as lawful husband and wife. That was what happened to a close pal of mine. Just attended her wedding dinner with the rest of the divers. Took the day off for a relaxed de-stress at a spa before attending the wedding; Saw some of my ex's uni mates. The dinner was good - abalone, seafood platter (I decided to stick to my conviction and steered clear of the shark's fin - nature conservation, yeah man!) Upon reaching home, it made me wonder... "Boy, am I missing out alot in life! Where is my prince charming?"

Saturday (250904):
Flight back delayed. Upon reaching home, went to gym, 'pet grocery shopping' and relaxed at home (read Dan Brown's "Da Vinci Code", practised on my keyboard as tomorrow will be my last lesson for the term); In short, I just 'muck around' at home, editing photos from the wedding last night (was supposed to meet my pals for dinner in the evening but it was cancelled last minute due to work schedule).

Sunday (260904):
Woke up and roller bladed; had brunch, showered and went to keyboard lesson (Zali was cute today; he seemed sad and asked me if my mobile number is still valid as he may just "call you to update you on vacancy for the next term" Funny guy! Anyway, I adore his mellow voice and his patience with novice me 'terrorising' the keyboard) Went home and headed to the photo studio for my family portrait of my brother's convocation and mine (frankly, don't understand the fuss about taking photos but if it makes mum proud to hang that photo on her room wall so be it, you know).

Monday (270904):
What a pleasant surprise from an unexpected visitor - Steve, Berenice and Matisse dropped by our office today (thank god I did not go on medical leave; was a little under the weather). How time flies (its been only one and half years since they left for Melbourne) and Berenice is expecting her second child (so happy for her).

Another pleasant news was from my RMIT mate, she just delivered her second son today (got her SMS). Made me feel as though I am missing out alot in life in terms of settling down and having my own 'breed'. Oh well, my time will come... leave it in God's hands. Its true they say, no matter how successful you are, you have not truly attained true bliss if you don't have a family to call your own, to make you feel complete. As they say, "We find solace in the gentle shade of family".

PS: Congrats, MY on your Open Water licence (managed to convert one more person, ha!) :P

My 'Sparks'

Finally, I completed my Nicholas Sparks Collection (for now!). It all started with Luke's gift (thank you) in 2000, when we reunited after countless 'separations' - "The Notebook". It was significant because its his way of expressing everlasting love. I was blown away by the novel (its a true account of his grandparents' everlasting love). It made me realized that true love can last forever (deep down I know even though Luke and I could not be together, he will always have a special place in my heart). I saw the movie but it was not as inspiring.

LTY then got the majority of Sparks' novels as gifts for various occasions (am easy to please) - "The Rescue" (the autism was based on Nich's son). It portrays how a single mum struggles with a 'special' (I hate the term 'disabled') child. I was impressed with Nich's fatherly dedication (I never had a dad like him).

"Nights in Rodanthe" strikes a chord because it made me rethink my work and life. This novel was given to me before LTY went to USA. A skeptic on long distance relationship, the story gave me strength; despite the distance, my conviction tells me that our love will grow stronger during this period apart (so long as we keep communications open - take time to write letters and emails, with occassional weekend calls).

"A Bend In The Road" was about imperfections of being human, the mistakes we all make, and the joy that comes when we give ourselves to love. It teaches me to love unconditionally inspite of myself with no expectation of reciprocation. My mantra - "Love like you've never been hurt". With LTY, I realized that his past relationships made him resolve to find someone 'perfect' and I cannot be that girl (I am only human with flaws of my own). In love, you have to love the total package, otherwise its not meant to be...

"The Guardian" is a tribute to Boy, my pet siamese cat. He was with me during my 'grieving period' (he instinctively knew when I needed him). It also reminded me of my best friend in college and the 'romance' we had (he's now happily married; the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" instinctively came to mind).

The most notable gift from LTY was "The Wedding" (he gave it to me when I went USA last December). It talks about love and renewal. The irony was after months of separation and 'renewing the relationship' in USA, we drifted apart when I came back to Singapore... up till today, I still wonder what the outcome would be if we 'brave the obstacles together, come what may'. I learnt how important honesty is to a relationship especially when it concerns both parties (the more you try to hide things, you create a nonchalant front; the more it eats into you and subconsciously you drift away from the one you love) On hindsight, I instinctively felt there was 'someone at the wings' (anyway, that is a different story altogether).

I am proud to say that I paid for the next two novels! After seeing the movie a couple of months back, I read "Message In A Bottle" over two weekends. What I learnt, "No matter how hard and terrible life can be at times, it's possible to move on".

I also saw the movie and just started reading "A Walk To Remember" (this book was inspired by Spark's ailing sister). It truly captures the true essence of the wedding vow, "in sickness or in health, till death do us part"... I learnt that there are such dedicated men who tend their wife unconditionally as she whithers away...

Bottomline, I love the male protagonists in Nich's novels (youhoo, where are you?) - a family man with a kind, sentimental heart, who is adventurous yet down to earth, with a fit body to die for hahaha (in my dreams maybe? perhaps!) My alter ego has spoken ;P

A Tribute to Bluemoon

TGIF yeah yeah yeah! Work today was busy; did alot of QC on coursewares and vetted design documents (such tight dateline especially when you are running concurrent projects, bah!). Nonetheless, managed to squeeze some time (basked in the sun while at it!) and help a colleague run errands (poor girl, still recovering from her fractured leg; since she had alot of heavy stuff to carry, offered a hand) :)

Had a good chat with a close pal. Despite our busy schedule at work or what happened in the past, its always heartwarming when we take the time to hear stories (or read blogs) of how we each 'grow up' at our own pace through happiness, successes, trials and tribulations. Thanks, "Bluemoon" for taking the time to say "Hi" and asking "How are you?". I am so glad that life is kind to you and I pray that you'll always have happiness. Do remember:

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." - Aesop

Just last night, another friend of mine gave me her vote of confidence. Her words were still ringing in my head, "You'll be alright; you are a strong girl." The lyrics from Richard Marx, "Eternity" clearly defines the kind of friends I have (and how blessed I am to have them in my life; can't thank God enough):

Il ya des jours ou par amour on oublie tout,
Le fou, les guerres, le chaos, les remous.
Rien ne sera jamais plus fort que nous.

On a la foi qui peut deplacer les montagnes,
Et nos pensees qui toujours se rejoignent.
Tu sait que meme au loin, je t'accompagne.

J's'rai la pour toi.
Tu peux compter sur moi,
Comme un ami que jamais ne t'oublie,
Chaque jour de ta vie,
Y'aura en moi,
Toujours un peu de toi.
Fidele comme une ombre qui te suit,
Chaque jour de ta vie.

Conflicted

I dunno whether to believe the sms I read last night (around midnight) ... it was a message from him:

"Hi, sorry din get back to you. Cell phone sent for repairs. Dun need the books. You can have them. Hope all well. Good diving? Take care."

So what do you make of that after your ex-boyfriend disappears from the scene; even missed your birthday while he is at it? It didn't sound like a guy who was interested to even keep a friendship going when "all the love is gone". What I decipher (hey, am still human yah!) from the sms message was:

"Its definitely over (just wanted to put it across to you GENTLY that my cell phone was spoilt and darn Americans need 1 month just to repair the phone) and that since I have pride, you can keep the books (coz I definitely couldn't bring myself to get the books from you after what I put you through). I hope you are getting fine without me (you have to move on coz I have). Btw, how was the diving? You went diving sometime... in July right? (see, I am still a nice guy despite what happened between us) Ok want to keep this message short and sweet so take care."

It took awhile for the sms to sink in (I was temporarily paralysed, staring at my cell phone). Deep down, I thank him for his 'generosity' coz I love the books he lent me - Life of Pi, The Piano Tuner and some of James Patterson novels.

Then I decided the civil/neutral way to reply his sms was just to email him an extract of my blog and share the online photo albums I have on the Manado Dive Trip. I know some of my pals would say, "Why even bother with the JERK?!" To me, live and let live; Its over so move on. There is no point in holding on to the anger or disappointment I have about him, he'd still be controlling me that way.

And you know what is ironic. I read my cousin's blog today and she published "our song" - Carpenters "Close to You" yesterday, the day the 'kind soul' decided to reply my sms sent a month ago. Oh well, I pray that he is doing fine in the States.

They say every ending marks a new beginning. For all its worth, we had it good and I cherish those moments:

"Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love." - George Eliot

The trials and tribulations I faced in the relationship (aka courage of sorrows ) made me a stronger and better person for me (if not for anybody else) and I am blessed for that opportunity:

"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you're really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain." - Richard Nixon.

I see tomorrow with renewed hope as I truly attain my closure. Wish me luck in my next relationship! :)

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." - Dorothy Thompson

Boys To Men?

Loads of filing to do at work today. Nonetheless, managed to sneak some time to help a cousin with her 'resume project'. Am so proud of her (she decided to persevere and finish her course, good girl!).

Over lunch today, my colleague and I were talking about men and how sometimes, their ego or emotions get the better of them and they go on their incessant rambling rampage (and suddenly its the fault of us women)... Its hard to have patience but I agree with the late Mother Teresa, "People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway."

Reading my cousin's blog brought the point home - are men really stuck at 15? (i.e. post adolescent puberty syndrome ...ha! Is there such a thing?) Ok, gone wacko Jacko ... hey, there's a man past 40 who fits the lyrics below? ;P TGIF, give a girl a break, you all!

Anyway, love the guitar works of this song (also love guys who can strum the guitar). Leave you with a quote from the late Mother Teresa - "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

I'm 15 for a moment, caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment, she feels better than ever
And we're on fire, making our way back from Mars15 there's still time for you, time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment, still the man, but you see
I'm a they - a kid on the way, a family on my mindI'm 45 for a moment, the sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis, chasing the years of my life15 there's still time for you, time to buy
Time to lose yourself within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by, suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye, 67 is gone
The sun is getting high, we're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment, dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming, counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way, every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you, time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Goggle Box and I?

Saturday (040904):
Was sad that my orthodontist said that she needs to review my braces in 3 weeks before deciding to take it out (and I thought it was due *sob*). Window-shopped for a nice outfit to wear to a friend's wedding end of this month. Since I was in town, just sms CY to ask if he still wants to catch "Open Water". Since he took a rain check, I headed to gym instead of the swimming pool (a tad shy since one of my colleagues' friend will be there). Would be a different story if it was a guy hahaha, kidding! ;P

Sunday (050904):
Went for facial and then to keyboard lesson. Improvement! :) Met a friend for coffee since he was 'in the zone' hahaha sorry but no chemistry; we watched "The Bourne Supremacy" Besides, am not ready for another go at it. Maybe later when the timing is right, when the right guy comes along, my heart will whisper to me. But no harm dating... contemplating speed dating though I think its quite 'bogus' ha! Anything to related to 'speed' where matters of the heart is concerned is not my cuppa... due to past experience? perhaps.

Monday (060904):
Had a long day at client's place (5 hours, bah!); Over late lunch with my colleagues, we did some catching up; its nice once in a while to just talk about other things besides work. Went home early to celebrate mum's birthday - bought Hazelnut Indulgence Cake (she was under the weather). Saw the last episode of "Friends" season finale. Gonna miss that show! Dig Alias before I tucked myself in.

Tuesday (070904):
Overjoyed after completing the progress report for August for one project wohoo! Decided to give myself a break and headed home early to be with my Boy (have been neglecting him of late due to work). Spoke to a close pal about the interview in KL; we'll meet up soon *sigh* miss Bangsar, Sri Hartamas... and the food there... maybe its time to go for a diving retreat! After dinner, went roller-blading around the neighbourhood; its been awhile *refreshing*.

Got back and managed to catch "Hero Heng" from the Nicoll Highway tragedy. I couldn't help crying coz I my heart went out to his family. Instantaneously, I felt so blessed. Mr Heng's family may not realized this but the late Mr Heng is now a world reknown hero; just yesterday I heard an Austrian couple asking a local in the MRT where to alight so that they could visit the Nicoll Highway collapse site - they were referring to the late Mr Heng. After my shower, I realized that "The Bachelorette" was on; not as dynamic as Trista but I can see pieces of me in Meredith... must put 'myself out there' hmm. I can't wait till Jen Scheff's go at the bachelorette.

Wednesday (080904):
Just when I thought I could take a breather at work, got to research for some info for my CEO before he leaves for Jakarta tomorrow ;P ... Time out for Yoga soon! And I can't wait to catch The Amazing Race (learnt alot about human nature from this show) and CSI Miami tonight (pass the pop corn!) :P

Evident from this blog, I like watching shows about human nature, expedition and discovery coz I know that no single person can embrace all this in one lifetime (was just telling a colleague today that there is no reincarnation in Islam), its good to take anecdotes from people's life and learn from them. End my note today with this meaningful quote:

True happiness is of a retired nature, and an enemy to pomp and noise; it arises, in the first place, from the enjoyment of one's self, and in the next from the friendship and conversation of a few select companions - Joseph Addison

Advance Birthday Tribute to Mum

Mum's birthday is next Monday (060908) and I wanted to post a tribute to her today coz I knew next week I would be busy (thanks Kit, for sharing this with me; aptly put).

Of late I was hurt by something mum said although deep down I knew she didn't meant it; live and let live. In my heart I knew it just slipped through when her emotions were running high. Its coz we are that close that such remarks hurt so much. I have been out of sorts for the past week reflecting what she said. Verdict: a misunderstanding and I cannot stress enough how important communication is.

On hindsight, I have to learn to be more patient. People of my INTJ type seem aloof (we're are truly misunderstood!), critical yet socially reserved. You see, we value our independence and live life according to our own standards and terms (i.e. we expect the rest around us to match up; that's our downfall... am trying to adapt more, evolve and acknowledge that each individual is unique and different and that there is nothing wrong in being different - diversity creates creativity).

A toast to mum for the strong woman she is and for making me what I am. Happy birthday *hugs*

My Treasure - For Mom
I look back on these years to see how far I've come and grown
I take a trip down memory lane and what I see has shown ...
That every step I've taken, you have been there by my side ...
From infancy to adulthood, we've stood the test of time.
You cradled me and nurtured me through all these many years
You held me and did comfort me through happiness and tears
You'd pick me up when I would fall
You'd dust me off and then
Encourage me to get back on that horse and ride again
Your constant care and loving and your warm inviting heart
Has always been a treasure thatI knew would n'er depart
If I could be "just half" the person you have been to me ...
Then you have taught me well dear mom
For in my heart I see ...
A woman whose most gentle soul embraces me each day ...
A woman whom I dearly love much more than words can say.

Corporate Culture - Birthday Celebrations

Today marks the last birthday celebration for my company (March to September). Yes! Its rare to have a company who celebrates every single staff's birthday (not just the CEO's, mind you!). I was glad the culture I implemented since day one is still practised (although now the 'responsibility' of organizing such falls on my colleagues' shoulders hehehe). Wish the CEO was here today (on business trip).

Another cause for celebration - I am meeting my diver friend later as she's holding a wedding end of this month; She will hand her invitation card out to us. In local context, the Chinese believes that delivering the invitation card personally is a gesture of sincerity.

Also, wishing my pal good luck on her job interview in KL and hope to catch up with her next week or so on the good news *cross fingers and toes* :)

Ok time out for lunch...

Over dinner with CY, was wondering whether I should take up his offer to catch the movie, "Open Water" *deliberating still*. Had a good chat with the rest of the divers later at Cafe Cartel over yummy choc cake (thanks for the treat, Jo) and coffee; didn't realize that typetalk could generate so much interest hehe. Reached home quarter past midnight. A fulfilling day indeed. Somehow, had an inkling feeling will feel TGIF later in the day... dum di dum di dum ;P

And if you find one day, find some freedom and relief
And with this freedom maybe, maybe you will find some peace
And with this peace, baby, I hope it brings you back to me
Bring you home, take me home
Cause if you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I'm bored of hangin out, in your coat

L'Arc-en_Ciel

Friday (270804):
My gal pal's back and we met up for dinner; She had a wonderful Japan trip touring with her fave band (Ken-chan kireii ne!), L'Arc-en-Ciel. Am glad she got time to destress and is back freelancing (good money, girl!). Groupie huh? hehehe. Next trip, I'm packing my bags for fubu!

Saturday (280804):
Unfortunately, after the fried chicken wings, fries, coleslaw and baked beans dinner combo, I was down with terrible food poisoning the next day (couldn't get out of bed). Maybe its got to do with the fact that I have been bringing lunch bento to work (so my tummy rejected hawker food?). There goes my Saturday's routine. Sunday was time to catch up on my music lesson. Owned up that I didn't get to practise due to Saturday's incident (thank God Zali was ok).

Monday (300804):
Today, a colleague of mine decided to quit. He's been thinking about it for awhile now. It was unfortunate because I would have thought he would be stronger than that, hold the fort and attain closure for a project. However, I respect his wishes. A quick reshuffling of resources was needed. It was a nice closure - forgive and forget. I took the opportunity to stress that whatver disagreement we had, it was strictly work-related.

Also, I'd realised how a minor rewording in emails could create such a ruckus. Maybe its Monday blues and the fact that I was under the weather over the weekend but these things seemed to irk me today. *Mentally telling myself to be patient*

Anyway, these pictures of my cousins never fail to cheer me up (Uncle Zul really captured the carefree innocence; how I wish I am young again)

Goodbye Girl - David Gate
All your life you've waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it's hard believin' the words you've heard before
But darlin' you must trust them just once more.
Cause baby goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away
Cause the things you do my goodbye girl will bring me back to you.
I know you've been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin' in
But I can wait forever, my helpin' you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me.
So remember goodbye doesn't mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn't mean we'll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still would have my heart
So forget your past, my goodbye girl cause now you're home at last.

Mmm Hot BunZ

8 Liang Seah Street

Thursday (260804):
Its been awhile since I met my cousins for a catch up session (and if its not for the camera agenda ha!). We had dinner at BunZ. It has similar concept to what I had in mind as one of my many business ideans - steamed buns on the go; in this case, its like a pita or taco concept where you have healthy chicken meat with various sauces and greens (instead of dips I envisioned with my ex). Verdict = will definitely go back again coz its light, healthy with nice ambience (not to mention the affordability).

Looking at my cousin, I realised that I was her previously, blinded by love and in denial that we could work things out (or rather I envisioned in my head that I am capable of fixing anything but what is there to fix if the problem lies with the other party... my self worth and integrity is intact... you cannot force someone to grow up if he doesn't want to... he has to grow at his own pace). That is the sad truth and it'll hurt alittle... well, I have moved on and I wish she will to (two more weeks and after a pair of shoes huh, Yan? We'll see) Love is letting go and with time you'll know if he is the one for you. In any case, we deserve better (can hear Inez saying that over and over again) and yeah with time, the wound will heal *hugs*

Ok enough soap opera! Managed to sneak to Kino to browse some books (haha have made list of books to buy!)

Friday (270804):
Argh, countless meetings today; What I learnt? Its hard to change mindsets or could it be generation gap? Bias? Perception? Again, cannot stress how important communication is. My colleague lent me a book on "Type Talk at Work". Browse through and will definitely read it over the weekend.

Success
To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent peopple
And the affection of children
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends
To appreciate beauty
To find the best in others!

To leave the world a bit better
Whether by a healthy child
A garden patch or a redeemed social condition
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

Biker Chic?

After much pondering and getting clearance from mum, I decided to take up bike licence. Have informed my pals who are equally keen about this.

Its so convenient to have a vehicle (bikes are affordable and easy to manouvre) especially like today where I spent half a day shuttling from Simei (east) to Sembawang (north) to Jalan Bahar (west) then back to office at Anson Road (south).

I had a car previously, but the expenses were ludicrous. On hind sight, I understood where the government was coming from (yes we are a mere isle; there has to be control checkpoints etc.. so granted)

Talk about politics, last night, after listening to PM's National Day Rally Speech, I felt renewed hope that we are moving towards the right direction, yes it may take time but we are making progress. Suddenly I felt 'belonged'. I used to feel jaded about the policies we have (old guard and new generation mindset gap? perhaps).

Previously from the teaching vocation, I use to feel that so much could be done to improve our education system (and I was aware that alone, I could never make a big difference; feeling jaded I bowed out although I love teaching BUT not the paperwork that comes with it - always thought that we should emulate the American system where they have administrators to help the teachers with the mundane paperwork and leave the teachers to focus on actual teaching)

Right now, am so glad that we are heading towards a more experiential learning rather than exam focused. Who knows, I may re-join the teaching force some day (I reckon Sherman, my RMIT lecturer, would be pleased to know that) :)

The Silence

Such tragedy when you thought you could trust your conviction about a person only to be proven wrong (error of judgement on my part? perhaps). That happened to me this week.

Reflecting on the past, I did see red flags; noticed the signs. The persistence was not so much that he wanted to make me happy; It was traits of a commitment phobic who wanted the adrenaline rush of romance and the feeling of falling in love but could never bring himself to be in love for long. I took the time to ask difficult questions and I should have realised then that he never really provided the answers.

I know what I want and I have communicated these to those keen to start a relationship with me - I want the best for my future kids (yes! I want bundles of joy I could call my own.. that will make me feel complete). I want the best for me! I want a husband who will love me unconditionally, takes good care of me (guide me); who will be responsible and committed to his family (which ultimately will include me); who is stronger than I am. I need that, that emotional support. I need someone who I can have an open, intelligent and honest conversations with; who is not afraid to share his thoughts and feelings (no MCP for me, thank you!); someone who shares my thirst for seeking knowledge and new wisdom, someone who shares my passion in reading, sports/fitness yet is distinctively a man of his own character and mettle (that confidence which I find so alluring). Someone with a stronger faith than I am (yes he has to be a MUSLIM) and someone who is at a stage of his life where he is ready to settle down.

I know Allah has plans for me; everything happens for a reason and I submit to GOD's will coz I know it will make me stronger; a better person ultimately for the one deserving of me. And that's ok. Right now, am just a little sad, but I will be ok. I know I will. I will continue to keep ALLAH close to me and pray for my wishes to come true, Amen.

Life's Lesson

I learn, as the years roll onwards
And leave the past behind
That much I had counted sorrow
But proves that GOD is kind

That may a flower I had longed for
Had hidden a thorn of pain
And may a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain

The clouds cover the sunshine
They cannot banish the sun
And the earth shines out brighter
When the weary rain is done

We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light
And often through wrong's own darkness
Comes the very strength of light

The sweetest rest is at even
After a wearisome day
When the heavy burden of labor
Has borne from our hearts away

And those who have never known sorrow
Cannot know the infinite peace
That falls on the troubled spirit
When it sees at least release

We must live through the dreary winter
If we would value the spring
And the woods must be cold and silent
The flowers must be buried in darkness

Before they can bud and bloom
And the sweetest, warmest sunshine
Comes after the storm and gloom

Blessed 30

Life has its magical moments if you take the time to be in tune with the world. Today, I feel blessed at the turn of events of late.

Thanks to Dr Hwang and the ever bubbly Li Li for wishing me an advance birthday and guaranteeing that I could remove my braces by September before my friend's wedding; I quote, "you will look simply marvelous!" (haha Val, I would not outshine you.. you think too highly of me!)

Thanks to my colleagues for acknowledging the bookworm that I am; Spent half a day picking great books at Kino ... am now a satisfied Kino customer :) (hey Shafiq, I'll grab Dan Brown's "Da Vin Ci Code" some day... thanks for the referral)

Thanks to all my RMIT buddies who decided to surprise me with an early birthday celebration at Cat's place (thanks Samuel for your hospitality... Fred for taking the time to drop by with one of my fave mata kuchings, its been awhile since we chatted like that). Its always nice to catch up once a year and chat like old friends do.

Thanks Zali for a wonderful early birthday rendition on the keyboard... somehow it was funny teaching me "Happy Birthday" while celebrating my birthday at the same time :P

Yesterday, was wonderful celebrating my birthday with my dive buddies (got to know Jo better too!). Thanks CY for the CD rom and for being a wonderful dive buddy (thanks for wanting to forgo yr badmintion session to have dinner with me today but, I'll take a rain check on that for now). Have fun with your Korea trip Yan Nah. Val, thanks for taking the time to buy my gift, it was splendid and all the wonderful midnight greetings (Anto, didn't expect you to remember... great service!) *touched*

Upon reaching home at midnight, was pleasantly surprised with the birthday spa voucher from my elder brother; we may have our differences and sibling squabbles but thank you for caring still. Thanks huh younger bro for the endless teasing! ;P

Thank you Luke (yesshh big 30!), Des and Juth (Happy Birthday to you too!) for remembering my special day. All these grateful "thank yous"... hmm must be due to the influence by Arundhati Roy's "The God of Small Things"... she deserves the Booker Prize (splendid read on humour, humanity and humility, exceptional in every minute way).

Above all else, I thank GOD for letting me live to witness another beautiful day. Mum, I love you (and the chocolicious cake and gift). Am forever indebted to you for all that you've done for me.

Inez and Jill, your prophecy came true *white flag from Dido*. Sometime I get blinded and I need pals like you to 'open up my eyes' or knock some sense into me. Thank you and miss you loads!

"My hopes, my dreams, old photographs, of good times and bad times that make me laugh. The joy of a hug leaves me to remember the pure, simple bliss. I cry for the fun, and giggle for the pain, I enjoyed the good life I was able to maintain. The thoughts and wishes, they all stay with me,all of these contained in my book of memories." 

PS: Today I am free and I thank the quote from "Shantaram" for getting me to that realisation :)

Getting To Know You & Me

TGIF and was not really in the mood to work; had a little MSN chat with my colleagues. One of them encouraged me to do the HUMANMETRICS (try this short, fun and worthwhile test!). Being the ever adventurous person, I did it. I read the review about my personality type... what a revelation! (read this to know me better and you can click on your type as well after you do the test). I must say, I was a skeptic about MBIT but to be fair, it does have its merits. Well, it doesn't hurt to get to know thyself better if it benefits the people you care, right? (and vice versa).

Now I understand why sometimes I have unnecessary conflicts with my dar (simply hate to argue); You know that feeling when something happened and you don't know what hit you? Or where you went wrong? My conviction tells me that it was not that we love each other any lesser, it was just that we have different personality types. If we knew this before, we could have worked our way through some of the unnecessary tiffs we had more constructively and put our energy to better use elsewhere (because on an average day, we are happy together).

If its too late, then we have to live with the decisions we made and move on:

"The secret of living: Make each day a magnificent adventure. Accept the challenges that come your way. Seize each opportunity that you find without concern for what others might say. Experience each day with open arms, savoring both victory and strife, welcoming the good and the bad together. For only then will you know the joy of life"

Good chat with Luke

Surprise, surprise... was just tucking myself to bed when Luke called me after the Genting trip. It was a really great catch up session. Glad that the new job went well. Hope to meet up for dinner some day... like my birthday *hint hint* haha ;P

Work today was all about documentation. Also learnt about being specific in my communicae; no assumptions. If you don't receive a reply, chase for it and not assume that whatever you have attached in your email was being read and understood. Its hard work, but somebody has to do it! Yada yada yada

Brother was unwell, poor chap. In fact, I was having bouts of upset tummy; not sure if it was due to the food I ate at the picnic or the flu bug lurking around or my monthly cycle, yipes! :P

Was so glad my colleague lent me a bestseller book on "Just Your Type - Creating the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type" by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger. Hmm, maybe it will cast some light as to how I can improve my approach with people from all walks of life; Am game to try anything... hey, ain't life about experiences and learning?

End this note with an excerpt from James Patterson's Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas:

"Never forget this one, Nicky. This is terribly important. It goes like this. Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls - work, family, health, friends and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls - family, health, friends and integrity - are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life."

Forensic Pathology

Friday (060804): Dreamt of my dar last night; funny as it sounds was glad it happened just so I could 'see' him after so long... he looked well which is a good thing :)

Before I headed to work, I viewed a tape from my client; cool stuff! Made me aspire to be an investigative officer, ha! ;P Work-wise was all about progress reports ...

Everyone has his or her own way of handling things; a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason", I pray that the best will come my buddy's way coz I know she deserves it. Gonna miss you and talk to you soon, precious *hugs*.

Hmm, wonder how the tandem sky dive went for a close pal (am keen to take it up too).

Saturday (070804): Collected my keyboard and had a wonderful time practising away.

Bought some baking stuff (in the mood to bake)!

Talked to mum about the possibility of me completing my masters in Melbourne (just wanna vibe her to see if she would be ok with that) ... nothing is fixed, just hope to submit my request for scholarship and we'll see where that leads me to (leave it in Allah's hands).

My cousins from Malacca came so we'll gather at granny's on Sunday (there was a plan for picnic too!)

A reunion for my alumni is underway next week (good time to catch up before one of them delivers) :)

Sunday (080804): A friend of mine was in Genting and was suprised to receive her sms (was just sharing thots about a mutual friend)

My keyboard instructor told me, "you gotta let your passion for music guide you.. have patience; you are not chasing a bus or anything... music is about leisure so relax" ... felt like I got hit by a bulldozer, ha! Work hazard kicking in... must learn how to relax MORE. Its funny how through your daily activities, traits of you surface... can hear a buddy snigger, "Stop being a tight ass!" In everything I do, I want to give the best; that's how mum nurtured me but I acknowledge that I have 'mellowed' alot through the years especially now.

Oh well, went home to bake two cakes (choc cake + banana walnut cake) while I ponder over the day's events (learnt alot). Thank you, everyone :)

Monday (090804): Happy birthday, Singapore. Headed for picnic at Pasir Ris and had an interesting discussion with my cousin about forensic pathology; we both love Patricia Cornwell. Planned to head down to Kino next week to buy some books; Back home, stumbled upon James Patterson's "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas" (excellent!) Now, I have a book to read to while my lazy afternoon away... this is HAPPINESS!

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved" – Victor Hugo

PS: Reminded me of the national celebration we had last year, dar

Pleasant Surprise

Today's a good day (just like any other day; its a state of mind?) My peers celebrated my CEO's birthday and mine today (its advance, I know); love the chocolate cake and bookworm me got a wonderful birtday gift - Kinokuniya book voucher woohoo! Funny how I was just planning to head to town sometime this month to buy books at Kino or Borders :)

And I'll be meeting up with my dive mates in 2 weeks to celebrate my birthday (hope there's no sabotage of any kind, ha!)

Mum called to confirm that she has booked the photo studio for family portrait of my brother and I in our convocation gowns (can sense her pride at this accomplishment)... love you mum!

Oh last night, Clarence (my Yoga instructor) was rather funny; it was a fun class. Darn! I was informed that I am left with only 17 more lessons at the gym... well worth it to extend my membership, don't you think? Have to see my schedule coz dread extending the membership before the fasting month ;P

Ok off to lunch.. before I continue with this...

Received a call from my music school - my keyboard is in wohoo! (thanks, Jude) Gonna collect it this week and practise, practise, practise...poor Boy has to put up with me and no more 'laughing' from my music instructor (Zali, can hear you saying, "Must have two Nor Azzah, one left hand for the chords and one right hand for the keys) :P

Was pleasantly surprised to receive an email from a dear friend (precious, if you are reading this, love you loads!) Its good to 'hibernate, do some soul searching and rejuvenate'. Wished her well (safe journey to and fro). What's wonderful about our friendship is that we don't have to stick together to stay together. At the back of our minds, we know we are there for each other in times of need :)

Time: 9.45pm... Gonna head home and get some rest. Tomorrow have to continue with more documentation, blah! Thank GOD for the long National Day weekend. *feeling patriotic* Majulah Singapura...

Proud Family Moment

They say, "Its not where you are or what you do, its who you take along with you that matters".

On Sunday (010804), my brother decided to take his 3 most important ladies - mum, sis and girlfriend - to witness his convocation. It was brief but meaningful. And it was the first time mum got to meet my Ms H (verdict: pleasant girl... bro, you have my vote of confidence!).

On Monday morning (020804), when I woke up for my morning prayers, I could hardly open my eyes! It was itching over the weekend, used eye drop but to no avail; woke up with yellow 'muck' around my eyes (gross!). Went to the doctor's; Verdict: eye infection, yipes! Did alot of work from home (whichever I could) and had some quality time with mum :)

Today, back at work and Alhamdulillah, some of the technical matters were resolved (insya Allah). I just hope the client will provide positive feedback tomorrow. Long day, time now 9.45pm. Time to log off!

PS: Thanks to my dive buddies who extended an invitation to celebrate my birthday with me *touched* ;)

The Notebook

Wow! My fave author's book has been made into a movie (Nicholas Sparks: Notebook). Can't wait to see it. I yearn to have a love that Ally and Noah shared... its everlasting. I read all his books except for "A walk to remember" and "Message in a bottle" (saw the movie though; tearjerker) .. Hope to add these two books to my collection :)

After watching "The Apprentice" last night, i learnt one thing - you have to be firm and stand your ground and don't let anyone push you around when the need arises - at least in Donald Trump's eyes that is a mark of a good entepreneur! Today, I stood my ground and I felt better after that (I want to focus fulltime on my role as PM - it is taxing enough - and not juggle other roles belonging to others; am not paid to do that also am not doing justice to myself and others). Yes, you want my opinion, I will give it to you but if you want decisions pertaining to your dept, I can't coz its beyond me. "Too many cooks spoil the broth" rite? Ok, enough about work! (jaded!)...

Strong Enough (Stacie Orrico)
... I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me...

Gaga over Yoga... oolala!

What a pleasant surprise! I thought I would see Min for Yoga; turned out Clarence was teaching last night :) ... A patient instructor with a nice mellow voice, pleasant face and oh that bod (admire guys who can do splits! Did you know that Yoga did wonders to Sting's sex life?) No wonder the class was more crowded than usual (how some of the girls purposely did the wrong steps so that Clarence could correct their moves; touchy touchy). Verdict: I'm glad to inform you that w.e.f today, I am a Wednesday Yoga student convert ha! ;P

What did I learn about work today? (It was nice meeting Paul the Aussie trainer) Business is business - you need help, you have to pay for it; no more 'free lunches' (even if I bat my thick lashes), huh? We'll have to see what happens at the end of this week.

At the same time, when push comes to shove, there is only so much one can do if he is constraint by his experience or expertise... I empathise with my tech team (credit for trying so hard doing so much trial and error on tasks that are 'foreign' to them) Bottomline, do we work smart or work hard? I'd rather work smart (need to weigh the opportunity costs and manage client's expectation)... You can only get away with 'smoking' for so long, right? Hmm...

My dive buddy is really on a roll in terms of vacationing! He's flying to Bangkok next. See him when he's back... can't wait to grab the pics of our Manado dive trip! Thanks Chung Yan for the word of encouragement about my bouyancy; will work on it :)

My younger bro will be having his convocation this Sunday and mum is very excited (she just had to remind me that she was sad that she missed my convocation yada yada yada) Ok, must remember to bring camera then!

Arrggghhh, I need to READ! (What can I say; am a bookworm) Will try to purchase a book at Borders or Kino sometime this week or next when I go downtown.

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow (Vonda Shepard:1999)
... I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow; at least then i would know
but baby don't you break my heart slow...

PS: About Clarence, my alter ego has spoken, ha! For me, I just miss my dar, that's all...

Don't Know Why

Funny, on my way home last night, as I was reading the concluding chapter of James Patterson's "Sam's Letters to Jennifer". A tear managed to escape and trickled down my cheek *embarassed* (I was on the MRT with the post dinner crowd) :P

Its a touching read; morbid as death is, its a reality. On hindsight, the contra of death is hope (well, at least to me it is!). Aptly concluded, "Love never dies". It renewed my conviction that love can make the impossible possible, if you put yr heart, mind and soul at it (alil faith helps too!). I yearn for a Brendan as well. Grab the book and read (you'll never want to put it down once you start).

Today upon reflection of turn of events at work, I learnt that communication is key. We don't usually pick up the vibes at the first try but the more we seek for an answer, the more it reveals itself. I also learnt that most people rather take the back seat and let someone else 'drives'. Apathetic/complacency? Don't know. Lack of motivation/incentive? Perhaps. We get jaded sometimes in the course of work (normal right?). Vicious cylce? Hope not...

Have not gone for any form of solid exercise since my return from Manado (swarmed with work!). But today, I will endevour to go for Yoga (prefer her to the Monday's class instructor). As for now, all I want to be is a 'Painter'...thinking of you, dar (hoping, praying and wishing you well).

Painter Song - Norah Jones
If I were a painter
I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me
We'd be there together
Just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see
And I'm dreaming of a place
Where I could see your face
And I think my brush would take me there
But only...If I were a painter
And could paint a memory
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you

Long Day is Over

What a long day... can hear Norah Jones singing "The Long Day Is Over" in my head :P

Time now 8.45pm. Suddenly I remembered what Mary from The Bachelor 3 said, "Even if the relationship is over and you move on; the love for the person remains; it never goes away".

In retrospect, I agree with her... there has never been a point in my life where I stop loving the people whom crossed path with me. Perhaps the degree and the nature of love differs with time... shall we call it affection? Yes, affection remains. The lyrics by Dido (White Flag) rings true.

As human beings, we have moments of weakness (no one is perfect yeah?); sometimes it scares us to retrace our steps and reflect on what we did wrong or even to swallow some pride and say "I've messed up" (sometimes we rather carry that pride with us and not say what we meant to say). To me so long as I remain true to what ultimately makes me happy and at peace.

I guess life is too short for us to play games or to please others above ourselves. Like what Dido said "Nothing I have is truly mine" from her "Life for Rent" song (very profound but true). Life on earth is a temporary destination. Don't catch the drift? Oh well, one day, just one day we will all find a place we can call "Home" - a resting place for our heart and soul.

White Flag
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?
 
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
 
I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of It's over
Then I'm sure that that makes sense
 
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
 
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All I was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on
 
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

What a weekend!

After a long day at work on Friday night, went for dinner to catch up with a buddy (after she got herself a new job and my return from my dive trip - she is kinda keen to take up diving so I have some "psycho-ing" to do ha!).

Now, am off to read James Patterson "Sam's Letters to Jennifer" on the ride home in the MRT ...

Extracted from Sarah Mclachlan's "Fallen":
We all begin with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

Brilliant Manado Dive Sites

Even on my way to work this morning, I was reminiscing the brilliant dive experience at Manado (how I envy my dive buddy who is still diving; he stayed on for 8 days while I could just afford time away from work for 5 days including the weekend ... darn, I actually missed Lembeh dive site!).

If you are an ardent diver who is passionate about abundant aquatic life (big and small), then Manado is the place for you - the wall dives were simply marvellous with great visibility of up to 20 metres. The only set back for me was having to brave the colder Indonesian waters (about 26 deg C) as compared to Malaysian waters (30 deg C) and the constant surge of currents from all over and thermoclines (I lost some weight these past few months due to long work hours and improper meal time).

What I saw at Bunaken Marine Conservation Dive Sites - crocodile fish, lion fish (they are everywhere), leaf scorpion fish, pigmy seahorse, razorfish, napolean wrasse (resident Lucy), mandarin fish (beautiful and rare indeed during my night dive), hawkfish, cow fish, goat fish, cat fish (sounded like a farm huh?), various nudibranches (blue-yellow, striped, turqouise), batfish, garden eel, sea grass, trumpetfish, razorfish, sharks, turtle (with remoras), ribbon eel, baraccuda, trevally... these on top of the usual sightings in Malaysian waters.

Dive sites covered throughout the 3 days of diving - Manado tua, Muka Gereja, Fokoi, Leguan 1, Leguan 2, Popo, Barracuda House Reef and Premas House Reef (heard from my dive buddy that Black Rock night dive was great; he extended his stay while I had to catch a flight the next day hence missed out on that, darn!).

Although we stayed at Barracuda Dive Resort, the lead local divers were from other places (they were specifically arranged to lead us as they were among the best there is at Manado - thanks Jacky and Martines for your sharp eyes, patience and perseverance to let us soak in Manado's beauty, quick wit and humour and your constant discipline towards safety).

We also got to experience night life in Manado as well as attend a cultural festivity by one of the hospitable folks at the former Minahasa Dive Resort (Thanks Ferris, for the wonderful food and company at your home). The news about the murder of a church priestess led us to experience security checks by the stoic police at one of the road blocks (what an experience!).

In short, I will go back to Manado to dive again in a heart beat; an experience I will remember for life. Hmm, maybe Sipadan will get a run for its money (given the cheaper flights) ;P

As for now, am planning my next destination - Perhentian? Sipadan Kapalai? Layang-Layang? Phuket? Have to discuss with the gang :)

Hey, my nickname is "Remora" given by my dive buddy. I am almost convinced that I am not cut out for deep wall dives (we almost hit decompression!) although I don't mind drift dive (so relaxing!) and reef dive. But hearing feedback from the guys telling me that I'm a safer diver than the rest of the girls, kinda inspired me to reach my aim of becoming a Dive Master (maybe in a year or two).

The only 'irritating' experience throughout this dive trip is that I have to be gracious about the unwanted attention; it became so unbearable to my gal pal to the point of irking her! Its not like I did not make it clear that I am seeing someone (mentioned his name countless times) Oh well, guess some people take the approach of "if you don't try you wouldn't know".

Mixed Emotions

I am going through a roller coaster of mixed emotions today - I feel esctatic about the trip, yet anxious of the 'unwanted' attention. Relieved to take a break from work, yet worried about the turn of events upon my return. A sense of melacholy about the 'us', yet there's renewed hope and strength for 'tomorrow'. Its a battle within my heart and mind, yet my soul is at peace. Don't make sense? Its ok, just enjoy the lyrics by Sarah Mclachlan :)

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

All the fear has left me now; I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh;
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it ; I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it; I won't fear love

Companion to our demons ; they will dance and we will play
With chairs candles and cloth, making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out, upstream or down without a thought
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it ; I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it; I won't fear love

Peace in the struggle to find peace;
Comfort on the way to comfort

PS: "Let your love be stronger than your hate and anger. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break" – H G Wells

Here I Come, Manado

One more day to my much anticipated Manado dive! Hope to learn how to publish the Manado dive photos here when I return :)

Last nite, I went for Yoga to de-stress (am really loving it). And the funny thing was, when I returned home, I was actually checking myself out in the mirror... hmm, not bad at all haha! The toning up really works, not to mention a stress relief ;P

Work has been hectic but things are turning out fine, Alhamdulillah. And today a colleague informed me that a senior of mine wants to keep in touch. Its been years since we contacted each other (back in 1998).

Anyway, regardless of the hustle and bustle of life and work, today is special. Simply coz its the 15th of the month (hope you are hanging in there, dar).

I'd like to end this note with a heart warming poem (thanks, sweet Ryan):-

"Something About Her"
Here I am, not knowing where I stand.
Here I am, looking for a place to land.
My heart in the palm of her hand,
A boy dying to be her man.
Between tomorrow and yesterday
What I really want to say
Is that I'm falling for something about her.

She is to me the rainbow through the rain.
She is to me the laughter through the pain.
Like sugar from the cane, directly through my veins.
She's living in my dreams
She's a vision, and it seems
That I'm falling for something about her

My life has been a ship sailing sea to sea.
My life has been completely set free.
Moments of ecstasy, all I could hope it to be.
Now with her I'd like to share
To show her how much I care
'Cause I'm falling for something about her.

I'd like to say I'll love her night and day
I'd like to say I'll never turn away
Forever, come what may
By her side I'll always stay
She's every star that's in the sky
Every glimmer in my eye
And I'm falling for something about her.

"The grass always looks greener on the other side. Take a magnifying glass and look deeply into it." - Anonymous

When You Are Not Looking...

Last night, I went to the Manado Dive Trip briefing session, after a long day at work.. Over BK quick bites during briefing, I got unnecessary attention from some guy (Made a new friend; Kelvin's nice). Flattered but nah.

For now, all I know is I need some time to figure out what I truly want. I somehow believe that through adversity, your true strength of character is revealed (how you handle a situation speaks much of your value system and maturity).

Regardless, I never fail to say a daily prayer for that constant someone - that he is in good health, that everything is fine and that he is taking this time apart with an equally positive outlook. I leave our fate in Allah's hands and look forward to our reunion soon (miss him and his voice), God Willing. Amen.

At times like this, ballads from Sarah Mclachlan fills the void in my heart...

There's Got To Be More To Life!

Suddenly Stacie Orrico's song is playing in my head as I slog through another long work day! Time: 8.45pm.

I was just hanging out, celebrating a belated birthday of my diving buddies last night and we were all in agreement that there is more to life than work, courtship, marriage, etc? I was actively advocating personal enrichment and growth (we plan to take up rock-climbing next, hehehe can strike that off from my wish list woohoo!) :)

I don't know why, besides keeping fit mentally and physically with pilates, yoga, aerobics, diving, rollerblading, I have a thirst for learning new and adventurous activities like skydiving (though its expensive, have to seriously consider this hmmm).

Oh well, I remember someone important used to tell me, "Live each day like there's no tomorrow, work like you don't need the money and love like you've never been hurt before." True indeed, don't you think. I'll end today's note with a poignant poem (thanks, Katie):

If I Didn't Make Mistakes
And if I did not make mistakes
And give too brief a thought to heavy questions
And too much time to little matter;
Or if I always knew which road to travel
Where every step would lead me into daylight
And if each face that turned to watch me pass
Was broken by a smile;
Or if whenever I should choose to lay my heart
Bare upon the sun-warmed grass,
It always was returned with tender touches
And carried by a song;
And if my heaviest burden were only to be
A breeze upon my back, and blossom in my hair,
And my brow was never crossed with lines of pain;
If all this endless summer were my lot
And winter's fury never beat me back,
Then I never would have seen the stormy nights
Through which I've struggled, fought and won;
I never would have known the joy of needed comfort given,
Or the essence of a friend.

PS: Happy birthday bro (070773) and belated to Val (230674)

Only Nich Can Bring Me To Tears

"My Dearest, I miss you my darling, as I always do, but today is particularly hard because the ocean has been singing to me, and the song is that of our life together..." - Message In A Bottle (Nicholas Sparks)

Being a Nicholas Sparks fan, I was so glad to be able to catch his movie that was showing on TV last night. The sad ending brought me to tears but more importantly, it brought back memories of someone special.

The view of the ocean reminded me of our times diving in the deep blue sea. I am taking it one step at a time, living day by day the best I can. I pray to the Almighty that you are doing better than I am in the States and that the meeting with your parents went well. The worse that could happened to me is that I become stronger than Theresa through it all (go watch the movie), God-willing. Have a wonderful Independence Holiday...